Thinking Outloud
Ever find yourself in a bar sitting next to two love birds? I mean, he is like this (looking with loving gaze) and she is like that back at him (winking) and he is like this… and she is like that….. with all this and that and this and that, you suddenly feel like you are on fucking carousel and you are getting fucking NAUSEOUS! I mean, come on, show me a couple that is that in love, and I will tell you they are a fake.
But not this one. This couple is so mad in love, you feel like your ass is going to fucking melt into a valentine chocolate pudding.
So, you begin to feel uneasy, downright CRAZY… and then you try to justify what they once told you that EVERY COUPLE HAS PROBLEMS….And so you look for them…. You LOOK FOR FUCKING PROBLEMS!!!!
So, you wonder if they just met.
“No, we’ve been together for a while.”
Probably just using each other for sex.
“No, well….maybe….” they laugh at you, cuddling, holding their fucking hands together, and then turn & blow you away with: “We are actually married”
Dang it. Honeymooners then?
“Actually today is our 20th anniversary!”
Oh I see…. But no kids, right?
“4!”
4????!!!!! Fucking FOUR Fucking KIDS!!!! Can you fucking fathom that? I can’t. I see.
High school drop outs then?
“No, all are in college. Medical school. On scholarship.”
The words are like bullets. If they could kill, they would be responsible for your end. You are near fatal.
Then you must live in a shelter. Please tell me you live in a shelter. Please!!! I need to hear that. Yes, I bet they do live in a shelter. You conclude in your mind as your instinct to self-preservation. To which, again, somehow God has yet another mf shocker.
“We live in a mini-fucking-mansion in Short Hills New Jersey, and a summer house in Tuscany.” And she ain’t talking about Arizona.
Good for fucking you. You say and die inside. Because who the fuck said that all couples have problems? Apparently this one missed the sign. And then until you prove to yourself that the old saying is true, you cannot go on. Because before, in your own relationship resembling the Spanish Inquisition, and you feeling yourself like Jesus on the cross, suffering, getting all of your four cheeks slapped around at least you had the numbing justification that Jenna, Sarah and Maria – your next door neighbors were right there with you, tortured and suffering just the fucking same. And now? What now?
Who the fuck allowed this bitch to have a life? Who let this earthly creature get away from the law of the universe that everyone, I mean, EVERYONE, must suffer? That EVERY COUPLE HAS PROBLEMS.
And until you find out that she does, you cannot stand it.
Of course once you do, once you learn that turns out she’s got 3 months to go because of terminal cancer, while her husband, so afraid to be left alone is cheating on her for a year and a half, while simultaneously all of her 4 successful kids are crack head losers, OF COURSE you will be the first one to be there for her, to give her a friendship basket, tissue and your shrink’s phone number.
But that’s only once you confirm to yourself the true universal law of suffering applicable to ALL earthly creatures.
That is how, we operate ladies and gentlemen. We only accept our life if we know that compared to others it is not such a shithole. But should it ever seem better on the other side, the Novocain of the “every couple has problems” wears off and we begin to feel
the pain. We begin to feel ourselves the victims, the martyrs, the Jesuses on the cross, – with no possible resurrection as a HERO in the after-life.
